Brent's AV Club

Synopsis: This film charts the rise and fall of Yuri Orlov, from his early days in the early 1980s in Little Odessa, selling guns to mobsters in his local neighborhood, through to his ascension through the decade of excess and indulgence into the early 90s, where he forms a business partnership with an African warlord and his psychotic son. The film also charts his relationship through the years with his younger brother, his marriage to a famous model, his relentless pursuit by a determined federal agent and his inner demons that sway between his drive for success and the immorality of what he does.

My Thoughts: The story begins with Nicolas Cage in Brooklyn, where he and his family run a small Ukrainian diner. He wants to do more with his life, but doesn't know what. He cross the street to enter a club, where a Russian mobster is gunned down. That's when the revelation hit him.. People are violent and always want guns. He figures out a way to purchase guns cheaply and sell them to local mobsters. He then realizes that that's only small money.

He sets up a business overseas and begins stockpiling weapons from handguns to tanks and choppers. He finds buyers and becomes a millionaire by selling weapons to underprivileged countries. His brother becomes a drug addict and leaves his brother to do all of the work. Ethan Hawke plays a cop who is hot on his trail trying to bust him. When he finally gets a hold of him, he has nothing to arrest him on because Cage is great at forging papers and finding ways to ship the weapons "legally".

He begins to struggle with the morality of what he's doing. He sells weapons to some soldiers outside of a small African village only to see the soldiers kill everyone in the village with the recently purchased weapons. He wants to get out of the business, but because he's so good, he won't. One sad part of the movie is when Cage is with a president of an African country, he see's a young soldier going through army drills. He asks the president why the 14 year old boy is in the army and the guy replies "A bullet from a 14 year old is no different than a bullet from a 40 year old." And sadly, that's how countries like that think.

Rating: It was a cool movie. The characters weren't real, but gun-running is a real thing and all of the events in the movies are basically based off of real-life events.



Closing Touch: Even though it gets 3 stars from me, id say it's a rental. It's not exactly a movie that you can pop in when you're bored. You could maybe get away with watching it two or three times.

Synopsis: A group of divers find themselves in deep trouble with a drug lord after they come upon the illicit cargo of a sunken airplane.

My Thoughts: My girlfriend has been busy, Jessica is in another film. Can't get enough of her. What's not to love about this movie? Jessica Alba is only not in a bikini in about 3 scenes. That alone should give this movie about 3,241 stars, but I can only give out 5, damn.

The story has a young couple who live on a boat in the Bahamas and they are both deep sea divers. Jared (Walker) is out diving in the ocean after a huge storm (which helps kick up dirt at the bottom of the ocean to uncover more things) when he comes across an airplane at the bottom of the ocean. He goes into the plane to see the crew rotting away. He also find about 6 tons of cocaine. He decides to leave the plane be and explore some more. He begins to find items for a pirate shipwreck hundreds of years ago. The collection of items from the wreck are worth millions and people have been searching for them for decades.

A friend comes to visit and he's a hot head. He wants to get the drugs and sell them, whereas Jared just wants to grab the treasure. Needing money to rent a boat necessary to recover the treasure, they decide to take some cocaine and sell it. Unfortunately the person they try to sell it to is the drug lord whose plane went down in the storm. And I'm sure you can figure out the rest of the story-line. The druglord says retrieve my coke in a day or you're dead. And so on..

Rating: Jessica's hot, some scenes are funny and there aren't too many movies like this out there. However the scenario is predictable so it gets 2 Jessica's.



Closing Touch:It's a rental. The cast is attractive, so that may pus it to a purchase depending on how you feel about seeing Jessica Alba and Paul Walker in bathing suits the entire time.

Synopsis: A bored married couple is surprised to learn that they are both assassins hired by competing agencies to kill each other.

My Thoughts: The movie that broke up Brad & Jennifer. Good move, Brad. The story is very interesting. This is a couple that met in a foreign country, got married very quickly and within 5 years, hated each other. They both lead double lives that the other doesn't know about, and wouldn't ya know, they're both hitmen. Both of them find out that their partner is their next scheduled hit and they have 48 hours to off each other before other hitmen come after them.

It's pretty ironic and the writing is very good. I watched this movie with my roommate and we both agreed that the dialogue made this movie that much better. It's wity humor, which you wouldn't expect from a married couple literally trying to kill each other. The only thing that I didn't like about this movie were the action scenes. They're waaaay to over the top and just not believable in the least. The movie is somewhat predictable, but has a good cast. Vince Vaughn makes an appearance and anything he touches now-a-days turns to gold. He plays a 40 something assassin who still lives with his mother. Brilliant.

Rating: I'll give this 4 Brangelina's. The action is cool (though over-the-top), the cast is awesome and the dialogue is great and totally unexpected for this type of film.



Closing Touch: Id say this is a movie to buy. It's a movie that can be watched a few times before it gets old.

Synopsis: A group of astronauts gain super-powers after a cosmic radiation exposure and must use them to oppose the plans of their enemy, Doctor Victor Von Doom.

My Thoughts: Much like The Dukes Of Hazzard, I bought this movie because my girlfriend is in it. If you were wondering, my girlfriend is Jessica Alba. We've been going out for about a year now, she's certainly fantastic! (pun intended) She looked nice in the movie, but I don't like how they colored her hair and gave her color contacts.

I wasn't sure what to expect from this flick. I was never a comic book guy growing up and knew nothing about the Fantastic Four. The beginning of this movie helped with that though. Smartly, since this is the first film, they showed how they got their super-powers. The action is pretty good, it's got fighting, fire, flying, invisibility, stretching.. You name it. I don't really know what else to say about the movie, which I guess means it wasn't all that great. I'll definitely watch the sequel, but that'll probably be a rental.

Rating: Jessica's hot, it offers action and comedy and the special effects are cool so I give it 3 Jessica's.



Closing Touch: Id say it's a good comic book movie, I don't like it as much as the Spiderman films, but from what I hear, this destroys "The Hulk". It's worth a rental.

Synopsis: Cousins Bo (Scott) and Luke (Knoxville) Duke, with a little help from their cousin Daisy (Simpson) and Uncle Jesse (Willie Nelson), egg on the authorities of Hazzard County, Boss Hogg and Sheriff Coltrane.

My Thoughts: To be honest, I bought this movie so I could stare at Jessica Simpson for an hour and a half. And in that aspect, I was not disappointed in the least. She's only briefly on screen for the first 45 minutes or so, but from then on she plays a pivotal role in the film. This movie makes me appreciate her hotness that much more. As for the actual movie.. I enjoyed it. I've read some reviews saying it wasn't like the TV show and just basically people ragging on it. Well, I've never seen the TV show so I can't go down that road. I can however tell you that I liked it.

Id say about 40 minutes of the film consists of high speed, backwoods and city car chases. They're pretty far fetched but they are intense and they do actually raise your heart beat. The movie is a comedy, and it did have me laughing for most of it. Willie Nelson rules and he plays the uncle. I don't want to give the story line away, but it deals with a corrupt local government who took over the Dukes' farm and they do whatever they can to get it back.

Rating: I'm going to give this movie three Jessica's. It was entertaining and basically all you could expect from a comedy about rednecks.



Closing Touch: If you like hot women (Simpsons not the only hot one in the movie), car chases and comedy, then this should be a good movie to rent.

Synopsis: Four hundred years in the future, nearly all humans have been killed by a virus. The ones that could be saved live in the city of Bregna. There is a rebellion against the ruling council, and it's best agent is Aeon Flux (Charlize Theron). Sent to kill one of the government's leader, Aeon discovers that all is not as it seems...
My Thoughts: Well, Charlize Theron is amazingly beautiful. Does that save the movie? Nope. There are problems all over the place. First, the action really isn't all that great. There are no really great fight scenes...maybe I'm just jaded by other movies, but it didn't bring anything new to the table there. Second, the special effects left something to be desired (there's a scene where a character who's had he feet replaced with hands lands on some spiky mutant grass...not quite realistic). Third, the plot was kinda obvious. Fourth, we didn't get to see enough skin. Despite all that, I did end up wanting to find out how it would end (even though I'd already figured it out).

Rating: Based on the fact that Charlize Theron's hotness is in it, it gets an extra Sam. I still like her more as a blond though...

Synopsis: Adam and Dr. Lawrence Gordon wake up chained to pipes at opposite ends of a dirty utility room. They soon learn that they have become the victims of the Jigsaw, a serial killer who devises intricate situations to get his victims to kill each other. Pitted against the clock and each other, the two must work to outwit their captor and save Gordon's family, who have been taken hostage by the killer.

My Thoughts: I had no idea what the movie was about when I began to watch it, but I soon got very into it. This movie just captured me and my eyes were glued to the TV all the way until the ending credits. To me, this movie was absolutely amazing. It's in the Horror/Thriller genre and it doesn't disappoint. Usually these movies leave me wanting more, the plots are predictable, you sometimes know what will happen after the first five minutes. That's not the case with Saw. I had no idea what was going on all the way until the very end.

The killer, nicknamed Jigsaw, captures his victims and puts them in unusual situations in which they will either die a slow, horrible death, or survive and be able to live a normal life after. The two characters are chained on two sides of a room. They each have a tape to listen to. One man is basically there for no reason, the other is there and along with the tape he has a bullet. He's supposed to kill the other guy before 6 AM or his family will be killed. There is a gun and a dead guy in a pool of blood in the middle of the room. After trying to figure out a way to outsmart jigsaw, they actually find a couple of saws. If they wanted out, they could have cut their ankles off and slipped out of the chains.

What would you do in that situation? Cut off your ankle, pickup the gun and kill the other guy or let time run out and have your family killed?

Rating: Because I was so impressed and captivated by the storyline, something that hasn't happened since Se7en I have to give this 5 pretzels. It was just an unbelievable movie and I can't wait to see the sequel.



Closing Touch: If you're a fan of the genre, this should be added to your collection. It's well written, well directed and you will be impressed.

Synopsis: A man raised into behaving like a dog, escapes from his captor to start a new life, who seeks to reclaim him because of his unnatural martial arts skills that are triggered when unleashed.

My Thoughts: Holy Hell, I wanted to gouge my eyes out with a meat hook and stick dynamite in my hears so I wouldn't have to watch or hear anymore of this pathetic piece of crap. Needless to say, I hated this movie. It's quite possibly the worst movie that I have ever seen. I would have stopped watching halfway through, but I chugged along for the purpose of reviewing it.

It's a 100 minute movie. 15 minutes are spent fighting, the rest are spent "searching for himself". Jet Li is a friggen idiot and because of this movie I will never watch another movie that he's in. He co-produced it.

The storyline is he was raised by this man named Bart. He was kept in a cell with a collar. Bart would do business with scum and if they didn't pay him, he would take off Danny's (Jet Li) collar to "unleash" him. He would then kill everyone except for his group. Cool.

But then he escaped and runs into Morgan Freeman who is tuning pianos in an antique shop. Morgan brings him into his home and teaches him about life. Not exactly what I want to see in a martial arts flick. And this lasts for a good hour before he fights another person. It's ridiculous.

My last complaint is the woman in this movie. She is terrible and should quit acting. Firstly, she's about 35 and was playing an 18 year old college freshman. Secondly, she was the most annoying girl you will ever meet. Thirdly, for reasons that had -5% to do with the plot/storyline, she had braces. She got them removed and they showed a closeup of her teeth.. Yeah, they're crooked and yellow so the braces didn't work. Where was the "stunt" double?

The only good part is the ending, which still sucked. And all of a sudden Morgan Freemans character changed on a dime. He went from speaking like an old wise man to a young black thug, it was completely out of character and made me hate it even more.

Rating: This gets my highest rating ever, 43 pretzels! Nope. It gets a half because some of the few fight scenes are ok.



Closing Touch: Do yourself a favor and never watch/rent/buy this movie. Never. Ever. Seriously, never. Just go to a zoo, break into the elephant cage and lay down next to the elephant and hope he steps on your private parts. It would be less painful then sitting through this 100 minute long hunk of crap.

Synopsis: Stewie, the maniacal baby genius, is distracted from his plans for world domination when he sees a man who looks just like him on television.

My Thoughts: Well, it is what it is; A Family Guy movie. It is basically a 90 minute long episode of the show. As for the quality, I think the show is actually more funny. In the movie their seemed to be some scenes where they really tried to be funny, whereas in the show, they rarely have to stretch something to be funny.

Like the TV show, it has some outrageous and downright awful scenes. There was actually one scene that kind of offended me, it involved Jesus. I did laugh throughout the entire movie and if you're a fan of the show, you will too.

The storyline is amusing but lacks regular characters. Quagmire, Joe, Cleveland, Old Pervert and the Greased up naked guy are all in the movie, just not enough. Joe isn't in the movie until the very end, Cleveland has about 5 lines and Quagmire is in a few scenes where he is up to his normal sexual predator self. Still, the movie focused to much on Stewie and Brian, even Peter lacked enough screen time in my opinion. Of course the movie is about Stewie as he travels cross country to find a guy he saw on TV that he believes is his real father.

Rating: I am also going to give Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story 3.5 pretzels. It'll make you laugh for 90 minutes, it just seemed to be lacking something that the TV show has. I can't pin-point it, but watch the movie and see if you agree with me.



Closing Touch: I do strongly recommend the movie if you're a fan of the show. If you have Net-Flix, use it on this movie. I wouldn't really suggest buying the actual movie (like I did) but who am I to tell you what to do? Buy it or not, see if I care!

Synopsis: The story of how Bruce Wayne became Batman, fighting to save Gotham City from the mob, corrupt cops, and other villains.

My Thoughts: When it first came out in theaters, I said that Batman Begins was going to be the movie the others should have been. It didn't disappoint. What I really liked about the movie was that it had a realism that the others had lacked. By the time the later movies came along, it was horribly campy and just terrible. So scrapping all of that was absolutely necessary. In the new movie, they have made a Gotham that could actually exist and even the supervillains and Batman's skills are plausible. I think that ended up being done rather well. More thoughts:

• Christian Bale (also seen in Newsies and American Psycho), is Bruce Wayne/Batman and he pulls it off pretty convincingly. He has multiple personas (Batman, public Bruce, real Bruce), but he plays them all being part of the same person. And he throws a little Patrick Bateman in, which can never be a bad thing.
• Good supporting cast all around, except for one who I'll get to in a second. Michael Caine is great as Alfred and has some comic relief. Morgan Freeman is Morgan Freeman so you can't really complain there. And all three major villains are all good and bring something different to the table.
• All I can think of watching Katie Holmes is that she's now carrying Tom Cruise's spawn of Scientology. Not a pleasant thought. I also just don't think she's all too convincing as an actress in the movie.
• When I first read that Scarecrow would be the main villain, I couldn't figure out why, of all villains, they pick him. Then after watching the movie, I realized first that they pull it off pretty well, making him pretty creepy with just a burlap sack over his face. Second, it was good idea to use a completely different villain from the other movies to separate it from the others and show they're starting the whole thing over.
• Seeing everything before it all happened (the Batcave when it's just a cave full of bats, Gordon before he's Commish, the Bat Signal, etc.) was pretty sweet. And I really liked the background story from when Bruce is a kid.
• It's obviously set up for a sequel. Looking forward to it.

Rating: I give Batman Begins 4 Sams out of 5:

Synopsis: Balian of Ibelin travels to Jerusalem during the crusades of the 12th century, and there he finds himself as the defender of the city and its people.

My Thoughts: As a whole, I enjoyed the movie. I had a few things that I disliked, but the good far outweighed the bad. I am a big fan of epic adventures and Kingdom Of Heaven lives up to the billing.

The story is your basic epic tale, which is one of my dislikes. But as I got to thinking, what else would make it "epic"? I don't really have the answer to that question, hence the reason that I am not a screenwriter. This movie was directed by Ridley Scott, the same man who directed Gladiator and you could definitely see the similarities in the film. Bear with me here; If you combine Gladiator, Braveheart, a little bit of Lord Of The Rings (ROTK) and The Patriot, the result is Kingdom Of Heaven. The difference is basically the time frame of the film.

I say it is like all other epic adventures because the main character is a blacksmith who in what seems to be a matter of days becomes a brilliant war hero and king. Do you ever notice these Joe Nobodies always rise to glory? Like Lord Of The Rings, mere mortals seem to rise to epic levels to fend off a far superior army when they are clearly outnumbered by at least 10:1. The film is a tad over 2 hours long, has several key fights, but nothing as extensive as the Lord Of The Rings. KOH, as usual, has a romance story added in as a filler; I personally feel the love angle is pointless in this movie. At first, I thought the dialogue was shaky, alternating between modern and 12th century, but that was just a couple of lines and I ended up having no grief with the language.

So far I have been bashing the film, but I do and did enjoy watching all 2:20 of it. From start to finish its got a gripping storyline and it really gets you into the movie. If you are a fan of epic adventures and long movies, you will enjoy this one. It's not obsessively long, as it's just long enough to get the entire story played out for the viewer.

Rating: I would rank Kingdom Of Heaven just below (well a few notches below) Braveheart and just ahead of Gladiator. I give the film 3.5 Pretzels (out of 5)



Closing Touch: If you are a fan of long, epic adventures this is a movie you should check out. However don't be disappointed if it is very similar to the rest of the group. You will be entertained by the fight scenes (which awesomely lack tons of special effects) and by the tale of heroism displayed by Orlando Blooms character, Bailan.

KOH Trailer